How Good Relationships are Made

I’ve noticed an increasing trend where counselors—both men and women—seem to place the blame for women’s unhappiness in relationships and marriages solely on men. This is a challenging topic because, as with any relationship, it involves the contributions of both partners. Below, I’ll outline why I believe this approach is problematic.

Many children today miss out on the formative experience of team sports, which are crucial during the most influential years of their development. While 47% of girls and 69% of boys participate in team sports, this disparity highlights a missed opportunity for learning essential skills like collaboration, rule-following, listening to leadership, and respecting authority. Success in any team—whether in sports, work, friendships, or personal relationships—depends on each member taking responsibility for their role. If you notice something that needs to be done but don’t act on it, you become as culpable as those who fail in their duties. The mindset of “It’s not my job” undermines team success and can lead to significant gaps and failures. Those who adopt this attitude often underperform and take more credit than they deserve, diminishing the overall effectiveness of the group.

We often fail to pay attention to our own behaviors and instead blame others for our actions, overlooking the fact that we are ultimately responsible for how we act. Recent studies suggest that 85-90% of people lack the self-awareness needed to recognize their own contributions to a situation. This lack of self-awareness is linked to our egos working hard to defend our self-image, making us unaware of how our behaviors might negatively impact others. Even when our intentions are good, we might be deluding ourselves to feel better about our actions. Research, including studies on political behavior, indicates that many struggle to grasp perspectives outside their own. This disconnect can lead to cognitive dissonance and misunderstandings, creating situations where intentions and behaviors clash. To navigate this, we should continually ask ourselves: What do I want to accomplish? How am I achieving it? And, am I considering how my actions affect others?

When those we care about express that our actions have negatively affected them, it’s crucial that we reflect on the situation—examining our intentions, actions, and the outcomes. We must acknowledge how our behavior has impacted others and consider how we can approach similar situations differently in the future. Trusting that what our loved ones tell us is truthful is essential, even if it doesn’t align with our own intentions. This mismatch between intention and impact often leads to misunderstandings. For instance, despite my mother’s seemingly genuine attempts to reconnect, she frequently denies the harm her actions have caused. Her logic appears to be, “I didn’t do that. You’re responsible for how you feel.” However, I believe this is a misinterpretation of responsibility. While I am responsible for how I respond, she is accountable for the behaviors that led to my feelings and perceptions. Dismissing others’ experiences and avoiding responsibility for our actions is, unequivocally, abusive.

Relationships ultimately, are so much more than performing within assigned roles. It’s learning how to communicate with each other in ways that each are understood. It’s learning our partners and teammates and catching their blind spots and holding them accountable responsibility to them in a supportive manner. Especially if our loved ones are bringing to light one of our harmful oversights or insecurities and we would like empathy and support as we work to change those behaviors that hurt our relationships and teams.