3 Hard Lessons

1. The Vulnerability of Relationships

No one is immune to hurting you in the pursuit of their own self-preservation. It’s crucial to examine our own behaviors, trust our loved ones when they express that we’ve hurt them, and understand our own intentions when we cause pain. Often, the closer someone is to us, the more willing they might be to sacrifice the relationship to protect their reputation. I’ve heard comments like, “I feel so bad for your mother,” from people I’ve dated or, “How can her kids treat her like that?” from her friends and our family. Despite these perceptions, my siblings and I have come to realize that what looks like bad behavior from us is actually a response to our mother’s manipulative tactics. She has consistently taken advantage of us, evading responsibility and creating chaos. From theft and identity fraud to neglect and abuse, her actions have been extreme. I was born out of her infidelity, and she even lied about my father to protect herself. The takeaway here is to listen to people’s behaviors rather than their words; it’s often through their actions that you can discern the truth of a situation.

2. Understanding Through Behavior

Listening to people’s behavior rather than their words is a powerful way to understand what’s really happening in a situation. Often, there is a disconnect between what someone says and what their behavior reveals. This mismatch can be felt physically—a sense that something isn’t quite right. The ideal outcome is that those involved become aware of how their actions affect others and adjust their behavior in the future. However, if it feels like someone is hiding something, it’s essential to distance yourself from them. Investigating or snooping won’t help; instead, focus on your own well-being and move away from those who are not transparent with their intentions.

3. Preserving Your Integrity

It’s never worth sacrificing who you are to achieve a goal, no matter how noble it may seem. The damage done by compromising your integrity can be profound and recovery can be incredibly challenging. I am still healing from the unintended harm caused to people I hoped to keep in my life. My efforts to solve problems in a relationship where I was merely a placeholder led me to make desperate decisions that hurt friends I deeply cared about. Realizing that I hurt people I love over something that wasn’t as it seemed has been one of the hardest lessons. Accepting this and learning from it is an ongoing process, but it’s crucial to understand that maintaining your personal integrity is far more important than any external success.

In life, it’s important to recognize that even those closest to us might hurt us to protect their own interests, making it crucial to focus on their behaviors rather than just their words. Genuine understanding often comes from observing discrepancies between what people say and how they act, and it’s best to distance yourself from those who are not transparent. Sacrificing your personal integrity for a goal, no matter how well-intentioned, can lead to significant harm and difficult recovery. Ultimately, maintaining your own values and being true to yourself is essential, even if it means letting go of relationships or situations that compromise your well-being.